Standing small


Two awkward moments from last weekend.

Friday night we went to a Hickory Crawdads game. Early on Big G had to use the bathroom. I took him. Brick wall. Door to the left. With the Zooperstars poster. No problem.

A couple innings later he wanted to go a second time. Again I took him. I was carrying him and talking to him while absentmindingly heading to the brick wall. Door to the left. Zooperstars poster. No problem. Or so I thought.

As I entered I heard a little boy’s voice in one stall, and saw a mom standing outside it. Strange, I pondered, that a mom would be in the men’s room. Weird. Big G and I entered a stall. I locked it. Bent down to help him release the hose. I look down to the side. I see our stall neighbor’s foot. Wearing a white sandal. With a fake jewel. Over painted toenails.

Oh …. My … Goodness. We’re in fem territory!

GAVIN: Daddy, help me!

ME: (whispering) Shhhhhh!

GAVIN: Daddy, hel …

ME: (whispering) Shhhhhh! Don’t say ‘daddy.’

GAVIN: Why not, daddy?

ME: Shhhhhh!

GAVIN: Daddy, wh…

ME: Shhhhhh!

I quickly – and quietly – ran Gavin through the potty motions. Tony Stewart’s pit crew had nothing on me! Then I waited for the stall neighbor to depart. Then I waited for the female voices to quiet. For doors to close.

Not. Happening. So, tired of attempting to silence my confounded co-captive, I pick G up. Open the stall. Dart to the door. Eyes straight ahead. I walked directly back to my seat. Waiting .. just waiting … for that security officer to tap me on the shoulder. “Excuse me perv, er, sir. You need to come with me.”

Sunday I took Gabby to VBS at a nearby church. We were visitors. One of the moms there looked really familiar. I knew her from somewhere, and had a hunch.

Later I was talking to another mom outside while watching the kids play. The familiar stranger walked up and asked the mom a question. I had my chance to test my theory.

ME: I know you from somewhere. Did you used to work at RESTAURANT?

FAMILIAR STRANGER: Yes I did. A long time ago.


FAMILIAR STRANGER: Oh yeah, EVIL MANAGER. (begin sarcasm) Oh how I loved her. She was my favorite person in the whole world. I couldn’t help but keep in touch.

OTHER MOM: Sounds like she was your favorite person.

FAMILIAR STRANGER: You have no idea

ME: Well, I was going to ask you for her number ..

At that point I turned away to see what Gabby was doing. There was silence for a sec or two, before I heard this.

FAMILIAR STRANGER: Well, I have a husband. And, seeing as how you have kids, I assume you have a wife. So no thanks.

ME: (turns to look at her) … uh, I said EVIL MANAGER’S number . … I was making a joke.

FAMILIAR STRANGER: (turns, walks away)

OTHER MOM: Heh. She thinks you hit on her.

ME: ….

Don’t you just love the friends you make at Bible School!

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