Acting the role of a cool dad

The scene: A local family restaurant bar and grill in Boone. The place is packed and loud. You need to use the restroom. On the way, to the right, you see your sweet two-year-old daughter sitting on her knees before an arcade game. It’s a deer hunting game. She is holding a large plastic rifle and pointing it at the screen, pretending to play. To the left you see a table surrounded by cute college girls giggling at the sight of your daughter.

Motivation: Impress the girls. Show them was a sweet dad you are.

Cut to: Dad approaches the game and pops two quarters in its slots.

ME: You ready to play a game, sweetie. You want to shoot at the deer some?

GABBY nods head.

DAD walks over to GABBY. She stands and he kneels behind her, helping her lift the rifle toward the screen. The game starts. DAD begins shooting at the opening scenes on screen, then looks down to talk to GABBY. As his gaze hits the floor, he sees a rapidly growing puddle erupting from around GABBY’S feet.

GABBY: (Looking up) Daddy, I’m peeing on myself.

DAD: (Nonchalantly and quietly) It’s okay sweetie. Shh! Let’s play the game!

DAD and GABBY look to the screen when suddenly GABBY’S BOYFRIEND comes walking up to watch. GABBY turns to him quickly.

GABBY: (Loudly) Watch out Carter! I peed on the floor!

CARTER stops in his tracks, eyes wide. He looks at the puddle. Look at me. His eyes go wider.

ME: (Softly) It’s okay Carter. I’m gonna clean it up. We’re just playing a game first.

At that moment, Carter’s dad comes walking around the corner to the bathroom. He’s behind me, but facing Carter.

CARTER: (Very loudly) Dad! Gabby peed in the floor! Watch out!

ME: (dying a slow death inside) Hold on. I’ll get it up.

DAD goes to neatby deserted table, unwraps half a role of paper towel. Wipes floor as GABBY and CARTER still stare and CARTER’S DAD smirks. He refuses to see what the college girls think.

Moral of the story – You just can’t be cool with kids.

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