What If – The Big House became Our House

I can dream, can’t I?

My mighty, mighty Mountaineers of Appalachian State tangle with big boy Michigan tomorrow in Ann Arbor. It’s a matchup of David versus Goliath’s older, larger big brother. Conventional wisdom has the Apps winning the Powerball before coming within three TDs of a 30-point first-half margin. But what if CV is wrong. What if … Appalachian wins. What would happen within that first hour?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2007

3:35 p.m. – Scoreboard – ASU 24, Michigan 21.

3:35.01 p.m. – The joyous screams of 2,000 Black and Gold echo through the eeirily silent and stunned 107,000-packed stadium.

3:35.05 p.m. – Local authorities issue immediate suicide watch for surrounding counties, Bristol, Conn.

3:35.10 p.m. – “Bo” Schembechler’s body begins spinning, quickly hits 158 rpms.

3:35.40 p.m. – In attempt to flee further abuse, Chancellor Ken Peacock’s larynx leaps from his throat. Refuses reattachment for three weeks.

3:37 p.m. – ESPN calls stadium press box for 16th time in past five minutes, asking “Are you sure you have that score right?”

3:37.30 p.m. – GoASU.com blows up.

3:37.40 p.m. – Phone lines to ASU ticket office catch fire, melt.

3:37.50 p.m. – Deadspin’s “The Hugh Johnson Project” is quickly renamed the “Jim Bob Norman Project,” as the mohawked one’s legend grows. (Line – 7 receiving yards, 15 ovations, one successful ignition of “The Wave”)

3:38 p.m. – ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN news, ESPN Classic and ESPN Ocho all cut live to a stunned Rece Davis reporting – “From Ann Arbor, Michigan, the flash, apparently official (looking to paper): No. 5 ranked Michigan lost to Appal-LAY-chin State at 3:35 p.m. eastern standard time, (looking off-camera at a clock) some three minutes ago.”

3:39 p.m. – ESPN phone system crashes due to irate Mountaineers calling and screaming, “It’s Appa-LATCH-un!!”

3:40 p.m. – Thirty-three million football fans join Miss South Carolina Teen in successfully locating Boone, N.C. on the map.

3:40.30 – LSU AD Skip Bertman overheard whispering, “Woooo! That was close.”

3:41 p.m. – Schembechler hits 458 rpms, friction sets casket on fire.

3:43 p.m. – Voice of the Mountaineers David Jackson has yet to take a breath, continues to scream “Mountaineers win!! Mountaineers win!!” live on-air. His listeners busy doing same.

3:43.30 p.m. – Appalachian coach Jerry Moore gives first post-game interview, sets record for use of the word “deal” within 90 seconds. Becomes immediate frontrunner in race of governor of North Carolina.

3:42 p.m. – Police called to forcibly remove Katie Bonk from field, specifically from the field goal posts she refuses to release as she screams, “Yosef is your Daddy!! Yosef is your Daddy!!

3:45 – Coach of defending ACC “champion” Wake Forest overheard giving thanks to the Almighty, “Thank you for making me scared to play them, Lord. And praise you for having Duke in our conference. Thy will be done.”

3:49 p.m. – Michigan coach Lloyd Carr submits resignation, awaits military escort so he can exit stadium.

3:49.30 p.m. – First report of looting in downtown Ann Arbor, as vandals descend onto local Finish Line, force employees at gunpoint to refund all Michigan merchandise without receipt.

3:50 p.m. – Student mob invades vacant Kidd Brewer Stadium, tears down both goalposts, field house balcony, scoreboard and 20 square yards of FieldTurf. Upon hearing news, Charlie Cobb is shocked – They only ripped up 20 square yards.

3:51 p.m. – Appalachian Marching Band takes field, begins playing “Our House.” Nothing but dancing black and gold around them. Random packs of Michigan fans slowly leave stadium, only 50% are aware of where they’re going.

3:53 p.m. – Jason Hunter begins searching Packers lockerroom for Charles Woodson, can’t find him. (He’s located three days later under his bed, asleep sucking his thumb.)

3:56 p.m. – TheWolverine.com goes black, announces hiatus. No new posts until spring football begins.

3:59 p.m. – North Carolina hospital reports first of 15 babies born this day named “CoCo.”

3:50 p.m.Winston-Salem Journal editors begin planning front-page Appalachian State spread headlined in 200-point type “Our House,” along with 125-inch Rawlings column and 20-page, 30-photo color insert special edition. Extensive followups also planned for Monday’s paper.

3:51 p.m.Charlotte Observer editors make space on C15 for three-paragraph recap. Later cut box score due to lack of space.

3:52 p.m. – First recorded instance of words “Armanti” and “Heisman” used in same sentence, alluding to his 240 yards on 22-31 passing, 140 yards rushing, 1 TD, 1 INT effort. Lee Corso later blames comment on severe lack of sleep, secret allergy to Herbstreit.

3:54 p.m. – Schembechler hits 1,643 rpms, wind sheer begins sucking nearby trees, cars toward him.

3:56 p.m. – Beer shortage announced in Boone, surrounding eight-county area. Local ABC Boards begin rationing.

3:57 p.m. – Michael Vick overheard telling attorney, “Life could be worse. Could’ve been playing for Michigan today.”

3:59 p.m. – Minimum 13 NFL teams immediately assign scouts permanently to Boone, order draft day placards for Corey Lynch (2 INT, 15 tackles, 4 broken-up passes) and Kevin Richardson (2 TDS, 210 yards, three wedding proposals).

4:00 p.m. – CBS Radio chimes in with top-of-the-hour headlines. ASU win leads the news. Latest in Sen. Larry Craig bathroom scandal forced to second billing – Finally.

You know he’d do it

4:05 p.m. – Tony Kornheiser calls Coach Moore, begs he give PTI “Five Good Minutes” Monday. Moore agrees only if Tony conducts interviews dressed like this. Tony agrees, no problem.

4:06 p.m. – Director John Milius begins planning for a re-mastering of his 1984 classic. Will now dub over heros war cry with “Mountaineers!”

4:09 p.m. – Weather Channel reports tornado warnings for great Ann Arbor area, as Schembechler’s spinning sucks his grave into the light, a la Carol Anne.

4:11 p.m. – Governor of Ohio calls emergency session of state assembly, declares “Appalachian State University Day” throughout state with parade scheduled through Columbus.

4:12 p.m. – Appalachian Marching Band finally leaves the field. Yet 75,000 stunned Blue fans remain in their seats, too numb to move. An estimated 20,000 never leave, spend the night. Finally removed the next day with tranq darts, cattle prods.

4:14 p.m. – First reports surface of sudden antidepressent shortages in Greenville, S.C., Statesboro, Ga.

4:15 p.m. – ABC announces it will add Oct. 20 ASU-GSU game in Boone to national broadcast schedule. (Okay, now that’s a bit of a stretch)

Go Apps!

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15 thoughts on “What If – The Big House became Our House

  1. Jason Hunter Charles Woodson incident really happened. HeHe Very prophetic about the goal post even though you missed goalpost delivered by mob to chancelors house with note left on front door.

  2. Pingback: Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32 (Final!) - Page 31 - BuckeyePlanet Ohio State Forums

  3. Dude, this SO rocks. And your guys pulled it off! I’ve been around a long time and this has to be one of the most satisfying wins of ALL TIME. Go App State! Keep up the good work!. You guys proved you can run with the big dogs. You’ve got quite a bite!

    BJMillen

  4. 1) I have it on good authority that Michael Vick is planning to use the Michigan defense at his sentencing, from a very reliable friend of a friend of a friend of a girl whose dog he used to walk.
    2) Stephen Hawking is supposedly petitioning to have Bo brought in for examination under the belief that this is the closest thing to a black hole humans will ever be able to experiment on.
    3) You’ve got a crystal ball, tell me: at odds of 5,000-1, how much should I put on the Browns winning three consecutive Super Bowls this century?

    But seriously, this one magical post has gained you a reader in me, and if they published SI on this benighted isle, I would happily send you enough copies to make a whole winter wardrobe out of.

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