Star Wars v.4.5 – A Lost Hope

How low can one man go for a buck?

This week marks 30 years of Star Wars. That’s right, 30 years of Luke, Leia, Darth and the rise of the Dark Lord Lucas. I own the original trilogy on VHS (two sets, actually) but refuse – REFUSE I say – to own any of the DVDs which feature scenes prostituing a great franchise closer to Lucas’ original “vision.”

Of course, the movie is his creation, so he can do with it what he will. Consider the original classic his rough draft, the special edition a revision, and the latest DVD incarnation “last minute touches.” He never learned that eventually you have to put a period in your story, or a signature to your print. The Mona Lisa’s smile just may have needed a bit more work, but Di Vinci decided once done he was done. Time to move on.

Lucas never will. His movies are now like software upgrades. You may have loved Bank Street Writer v2.1, but just wait until you bang away on Bank Street Writer v2.2, now with tint control! (Hackers as a rule don’t handle obsolescence well). The same goes for that galaxy far, far away. (It didn’t come with CGI control.)

So, on this grand 30th anniversary week, I hereby boldly go where Lucas has gone before (I know … I know .. more sci-fi blasphamy. But at least Kahn remains pristine). Within the next 10 years, the original trilogy will again be enhanced thusly:

– Jar Jar will be seen in the Cantina.

– At the end of ROTJ, Vader’s final words to Luke will be, “You were right about me. Tell your sister…you were right … (grabbing heart) I’m coming to join ya, Padme.”

– They will have a scene with the NYPD Blue guy reprising his role as Bail Organa and he’ll speak with Tarkin before the Death Star blows his planet up. A FOX News-type logo will be visible in the lower left corner of the screen.

– There will be a brief scene during which Tarkin speaks with Grand Admiral Thrawn, and orders him to the outer rim.

– Jar Jar will be seen riding a TonTon on Hoth.

– R2-D2 will not only fly, but have retractable wings and a propellor. (It will look great on a Burger King glass!)

– Yoda’s hut will feature a photo of Chewy waving saying, “Missing you.”

– Luke will have a scar on his forehead shaped like a lightning bolt.

– Han will again shot first, but only after “accidently” pulling the trigger when he slouches too low in the booth and almost falls to the floor.

– The Ewoks will chirp with a Mexican accent, and some will have cornrows.

– Vader will be entirely CGI … and his cape will always billow, even if there’s no breeze. (Why else have a cape?)

– Jar Jar’s skull will be visible in the Rancor pit.

– Boba Fett will have a love interest which will force him to choose between serving the Sith or serving his heart. (He goes with the latter, and sells his girlfriend to Jabba as a dancer, which is how he and the Hutts first met. Tragic really).

– Lando will randomly mention his step-father, Mace, was a great Jedi warrior.

– The Emporer will still have slugs, but now talks with a Texas twang.

– Luke will still have a bad haircut. (CGI is only so powerful)


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