Honey I stunk up the kid

It was nowhere near this pleasent

File this under “words you never expect to hear concerning your child.”

Saturday afternoon I was attending a work function when my cell shook. I saw it was the wife and excused myself into another room.

“Hey, bay-beh,” I said, expecting the usual “what are you doing” kinda conversation. I didn’t get it.

“Hello,” she said. Silence.

“Do you need anything?”

“No. ….. I just wanted to let you know Gabrielle fell in a septic tank this morning.”

” ……… what? ……. ”

“You know how our septic tank is covered? Well granny’s tank doesn’t have a top on it. Gabby was out picking flowers in her yard with her cousin (name of 5-year-old withheld to protect the innocent). She ran around a little building when suddenly I heard her screaming. The cousin came running up saying ‘Gabby fell in the creek.’ Cosuin’s momma ran out there and got her out. She’s okay.”

” ……. what? …. a septic tank? ….. are you serious?”

“Yes, but she’s okay. I took her immediately into the shower and washed her off. She cried the whole time until we got out. She then ate some cookies and was fine. She’s sleeping now. I called the doctor and they said as long as she didn’t swallow anything she’ll be fine.”

” … what??,” I managed, momentarily disgusted by the thought of Gabby gurgling some pretty awful choc-O-lit. “Why the hell is their septic tank not covered?”

“Granny said Pa was going to do it but he’s never got aroud to it. I had no idea it was there.”

… Silence ….

“Well,” I said. “Okay. You call me if if need me. If she gets sick or ANYTHING, call me, okay? I don’t have to be here. I can leave anytime. Okay?”


“I’ll talk to you later. Love you. Bye.”

I clicked the phone off and stood there a sec stunned – WTF? – before ending with (what I thought) was an entirely appropriate self-compliment. I patted myself on the back for NOT immediately demanding to know what SHE was doing while Gabby swam with the feces. But I guess all was well. Nothing I could do about it.


The next day I found out that, contrary to my wife’s initial on-the-scene reporting, Gabby had – thankfully – not fallen into a septic tank. Instead it was a deep hole half-full of spoiled, three-week old rain water. I’m not sure that’s a better scenario, but the wife assures me the smell was indistinguishable.

The latest event in the life of my lil one caused me to ponder a list of lines you’d never expect to hear about your child. I’d love to hear your submissions. Just leave a comment below.


5 thoughts on “Honey I stunk up the kid

  1. honest to God, when I heard this one, I swallowed my heart: “mama, kris fell from the top of the treehouse and his brain is coming out!”

    obviously, his brain is still intact – well, he’s 16, maybe it’s not all there – but to a 4 year old, I guess it looked pretty bad.

    my parents used to keep their trailer parked in a nice little campground, where they would spend weekends. the dump station funneled into a ‘poopie pond’. quaint, no? all the kids knew not to play near it, or to catch the frogs that croaked there. unfortunately, the dogs weren’t smart enough to stay away from it, so…

    I’m glad gabby is okay, and smells better now.

  2. “uh.. honey? remember how i told you we were going to have to start cleaning up after the dog? and remember how i told you not to let the baby walk around in the back yard? yea…”

  3. WTF? Thats what I thought as well! Anyone that has had a toddler get away from you knows what I am talking about. Those little legs move fast. Me being big as a cow, at 8-9 months pregnant (depending on what calender you use) knows their legs move faster than mine. One second the child is there the next they are not. So, what I was doing, was sitting on the porch not 10 feet away watching the going on. I know other moms will empathize with me, don’t know about the dads because they have never been in this ‘condition’.

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