The Mountaineers take on the Penguins Saturday in the semifinals of the Division I Football Championship. In an effort to foster the goodwill and sportsmanship for which I am known, I decided to scout our opponents. Here’s what I learned:
Penguins either waddle on their feet or slide on their bellies
I take this to mean they have great linemen on both sides of the ball, but the recieving corps is less than surefooted.
Their wings have become flippers, useless for flight in the air
So they must have a strong running game. Let’s see – 227 yards a game. They throw for another 157. So yeah, they waddle well and stay out the air.
Penguins have an excellent sense of hearing
Great! I’ve always wondered what a beatdown sounds like. I’ll have to ask one afterward.
Fictional penguins are occasionally presented as grouchy or even sinister
Really? Opus grouchy? Chilly Willy sinister? And what about all those Happy Feet peeps? Well .. there is this guy.
Most penguins feed on krill, fish, squid, and other forms of sealife
Well, they recently ate some bird, bulldog, saluki and whatever the hell a Hilltopper is (I bet it tastes like chicken). It appears they can’t stomach cats, and Apps have been dining regularly on those silly things for years.
All penguins are countershaded. This is for camouflage.
We’ll just tackle anything we see sliding on its belly, or running like it has pants down around the ankles.
Some penguins mate for life, while others for just one season
I assume Angelina Jolie is one of the latter. I wonder if she’ll be at the game.
Penguins seem to have no fear of humans
Oh, we’ll see about changing that. Yes indeed. Like Ozzy with a bat, Yosef likes him some bird.
Their striking black and white plumage is often likened to a tuxedo suit
One should always don formal wear for one’s own funeral.
Penguins have also been the subject of many books and documentary films
I actually did enjoy this one, though I admit hating the fact Morgan neglected to mention the bullqueer penguin named “Bring Em’ Young
stdown To Me.” Ohhhh Andy … That was the longest documentary of his life. Almost as long as tomorrow’s semifinal in Boone.
Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’. Go Apps!