Subject: Reporting the news as it really is
As you all well know, NBC News recently took a brave step by adopting as our official editorial policy that the conflict in Iraq is a Civil War. We now deem that as fact, though our own government questions such a characterization. We took this move not in an effort to boost cable ratings or morale, but to be as honest and straightforward as we can with our news consumers.
In the past few days, we have had further deep thoughts and debate. For too long, many issues have beset this great nation with muddled or unsought answers. NBC News will now begin reporting those answers.
Effective immediately, NBC News and MSNBC will hold as effective editorial policy that:
– Miller Lite is less filling. It does not taste great.
– The egg came first. We base this on the definition of egg, which is “a body produced by a domestic bird.” We find that a domestic bird of some type laid an egg, and the offspring inside mutated into a chicken prior to hatching. Thus, a chicken was born. To argue otherwise simply ignores the definable facts.
– Picard is better than Kirk.
– Pluto is neither a planet or dwarf planet, but dead space rock. (“Cold” dead space rock is also acceptable.)
– OJ did it.
– Oswald did it.
– Jon Mark Karr did do it, just you wait. (We were simply ahead of the news cycle.)
– Derek Jeter, not Justin Morneau, is the 2006 MVP of the American League. We approve and support all other post-season awards issued this year by Major League Baseball.
– Michael Richards is not racist.
– Trent Lott is racist.
– GE lightbulbs are the best on the market.
– This was a botched joke, not an insult.
– This was an insult, not a botched joke.
– Tony Kornheiser is indeed ruining Monday Night Football.
– The Christmas season did not officially begin last Friday. It began when we said it began, which was last night.
– Jesus did exist, but he was no god and his life is obscured in myth.
– Mohammad did exist. Period.
– It is pronounced kar-mul, not care-uh-mel.
– The Bowl Championship Series is a farce. No true college football champion exists. (Please note, this policy contingent on whether NBC owns the rights to future BCS games).
– Mel Gibson is insane.
– Tom Cruise is eccentric.
– We will no longer entertain any notion that dinosaurs were killed off after an asteroid hit the earth. (Actually, cigarettes did it.)
Further updates as they warrant.