I’m a thrift store nut. To me it’s a modern day treasure hunt. Here’s a recent find.

FOUND – Brand new, untouched Disney Wonderful Princess World Sticker Book.
PRICE NEW – $12.99.
THRIFT COST – $2

Gabby loves coloring. And stickers. And Disney Princess. So basically I struck gold. This book is brand new, with not one of the 600 stickers gone, and not one lick of crayola on any page. There were a couple other Disney Princess books too, but this one was the diamond in the rough.

Speaking of which, I’ve always been bothered by the Disney Princesses. Who decides who gets to be one? Where is there no Maid Marian (Robin Hood) or Alice (Alice in Wonderland)? Sure, Alice technically wasn’t royalty, but wasn’t Marian? And then there’s Nala from Lion King who, by the movie title, was obviously a Lion Queen. She had to have been a princess before then, right? Or does her promotion by movie’s end bar her from eternal princesshood? Does that mean when Jasmine’s dad kicks the bucket and Aladdin becomes king, Disney drops her from the merchandise? Will there be a Queen line? And could they market Disney Queens with no smirks?

Just some of the mysteries I ponder while waiting for Gabby to eventually fall asleep. (And I ain’t even getting into the lack of Disney Princes).

And yes, this conversation on Facebook was WAY too long.

Soooooooooooo … my weekend is planned. Yours?

This week marks 30 years of Star Wars. That’s right, 30 years of Luke, Leia, Darth and the rise of the Dark Lord Lucas. I own the original trilogy on VHS (two sets, actually) but refuse – REFUSE I say – to own any of the DVDs which feature scenes prostituing a great franchise closer to Lucas’ original “vision.”

Of course, the movie is his creation, so he can do with it what he will. Consider the original classic his rough draft, the special edition a revision, and the latest DVD incarnation “last minute touches.” He never learned that eventually you have to put a period in your story, or a signature to your print. The Mona Lisa’s smile just may have needed a bit more work, but Di Vinci decided once done he was done. Time to move on.

Lucas never will. His movies are now like software upgrades. You may have loved Bank Street Writer v2.1, but just wait until you bang away on Bank Street Writer v2.2, now with tint control! (Hackers as a rule don’t handle obsolescence well). The same goes for that galaxy far, far away. (It didn’t come with CGI control.)

So, on this grand 30th anniversary week, I hereby boldly go where Lucas has gone before (I know … I know .. more sci-fi blasphamy. But at least Kahn remains pristine). Within the next 10 years, the original trilogy will again be enhanced thusly:

- Jar Jar will be seen in the Cantina.

- At the end of ROTJ, Vader’s final words to Luke will be, “You were right about me. Tell your sister…you were right … (grabbing heart) I’m coming to join ya, Padme.”

- They will have a scene with the NYPD Blue guy reprising his role as Bail Organa and he’ll speak with Tarkin before the Death Star blows his planet up. A FOX News-type logo will be visible in the lower left corner of the screen.

- There will be a brief scene during which Tarkin speaks with Grand Admiral Thrawn, and orders him to the outer rim.

- Jar Jar will be seen riding a TonTon on Hoth.

– R2-D2 will not only fly, but have retractable wings and a propellor. (It will look great on a Burger King glass!)

– Yoda’s hut will feature a photo of Chewy waving saying, “Missing you.”

- Luke will have a scar on his forehead shaped like a lightning bolt.

- Han will again shot first, but only after “accidently” pulling the trigger when he slouches too low in the booth and almost falls to the floor.

- The Ewoks will chirp with a Mexican accent, and some will have cornrows.

- Vader will be entirely CGI … and his cape will always billow, even if there’s no breeze. (Why else have a cape?)

- Jar Jar’s skull will be visible in the Rancor pit.

- Boba Fett will have a love interest which will force him to choose between serving the Sith or serving his heart. (He goes with the latter, and sells his girlfriend to Jabba as a dancer, which is how he and the Hutts first met. Tragic really).

– Lando will randomly mention his step-father, Mace, was a great Jedi warrior.

- The Emporer will still have slugs, but now talks with a Texas twang.

- Luke will still have a bad haircut. (CGI is only so powerful)

July 21. Can’t wait.

Sung to the tune of Big Bad John. If confused, read this.

It’s true.
It’s true.

He won an Oympic gold with a broken freakin’ neck
Made the jump to the pros, didn’t miss a step.
Kind of nerdy at the start boasting of 3 Is
He became Eurocontinental before our eyes, it’s true.

You suck.
You Suuuuuuuck.
Kurt Angle Sucks.
It’s true.

Nobody could stop him as he rose to the top.
He became world champ one night by beating The Rock.
Always screaming loudly, then dropping his strap
He’d grab an ankle and make the biggest man tap, it’s true.
He could play a mean guitar for a wrestling machine.
He once drank milk a day old, to prove he’s extreme.
Steph McMahon once fell for him when Trips wasn’t near,
Kurt’s a virgin, but his intentions were clear, it’s true.

You suck.
You Suuuuuuuuck.
Kurt Angle Sucks.
It’s true.

He had a head full of fair till Edge came along.
He was beaten baldheaded, but came back strong.
Kojack with muscles and a spine two-feet thick
The most vicious son of a bitch you’d ever messed with, it’s true.
When the fanfare played and he hit the stage,
You could see him chewing on his mouthpiece to contain his rage.
Once through the ropes the caged animal was free
Olympic slam, he’s done. One. Two. Three. It’s true.

Kurt sucks.
Kurt Sucks.
Kurt Angle Sucks.
It’s true.

Then came the day in a house show ring,
He pulled his groin, but ignored the sting.
He remained in action, tore more muscle from his bone,
Still he continued, then his hamstring was gone, it’s true.
At the end of he bout he hobbled up for the cheers
It would be the last match of his storied career.
The strap had been pulled down for the very last time.
Your Olympic Hero, Kurt Angle, broken down in his prime.
It’s true.

You suck.
You suuuuck.
Kurt Angle sucks.
It’s true.

Never again in the ring but we won’t forget,
His fire and passion, he has no regrets.
He brought his best every night and for the fans came through.
He’ll be missed, here’s the cue, it’s true … it’s damn true.

You suck.
You suuuuuuuuck.
Kurt Angle sucks.
It’s true.

This is just awesome. Really. I’ve always wondered if he’s seen it, and now I know:

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is being made to watch his appearance in cult cartoon South Park while he is behind bars.

The deposed leader on trial in Iraq was featured in the movie spin-off as the lover of the devil. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut featured Hussein and Satan attempting to take over the world together.

Speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone said US Marines guarding the former dictator during his trial for genocide were making him watch the movie “repeatedly”.

“I have it on pretty good information from the Marines on detail in Iraq that they showed him the movie last year. That’s really adding insult to injury. I bet that made him really happy,” Stone said.

Outstanding.

And if this doesn’t get your day started with a smile, check out the latest effort by CBS News to torpedo all that is Couric:

The left photo is the official first-pic-of-Katie released by CBS at this year’s upfront. (TVNewser posted it in May.) The left photo is an edited version of the same photo, from the September issue of Watch magazine, which is owned by CBS.

I just find it so hard to take her or CBS seriously.

With many apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein:

Simpsons on Sunday and Griffins on after;
Mikes in the morning and SportsCenter laughter;
Vince and Shawn Michaels are coming to blows;
These are a few of my favorite shows.

When premieres start,
When summer slows,
When all goes well,
I simply look forward to all my great shows,
Even reruns from Chappelle.

As Slate.com opines, “this is a high-postmodern masterpiece that finds the comedian at the top of his game.”

Last night’s premiere of the Chappelle Show’s “Lost Episodes” was well done, from the opening credits (“I don’t think he’s coming”) to the selection of guest hosts Charlie Murphy and what’s-his-name (I’m kidding, it’s Donnell Rawlings). The skits were funny. Not quite season 1 or 2 funny (as the dead guy predicts in the first sketch), but funnier than any 30 minutes of Mencia’s mind.

Chappelle always has something to say. Every sketch – no matter how silly – has an intelligent lining, often obscured by over-the-top sophomoric fart jokes.

Take, for instance, the last skit of the night called Tupac Lyrics (you can see it and more at the Comedy Central website). Jokes about doo-doo and infidelity sweetened an attack on the abuse levied toward the memory of a late great rapper. Like Ann Coulter ripping 9/11 widows, Chappelle ridiculed the notion that Tupac is resting in peace while releasing more albums posthumously than he did before two shots in 1996. Even Elvis is treated with more dignity (Japanese PMs notwithstanding). Only Dave could get away with such a swipe at a black icon.

Much of last night’s ep was a bit jerky with Dave not there, and you saw hints as to why he split the scenes. Chappelle was blessed to achieve great success at something be enjoyed. But he became too successful. He found himself somewhere north of where he wanted to be. He knows our culture treats you differently the greater you become at what you do.

As he told James Lipton, celebrities are held to a different standard. For example, divorce is by its nature a horrid experience. Yet the split of two people you may have heard of – Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston – drenched the tabloids and spilled over into the reputable news outlets. No detail was left out. Dave watched all that unfold and relized, “Oh sh*t. This could happen to me.”

Call it one man’s revolt against our celebrity-obsessed society. Why should somone’s stature dictate they become another marble in our bag of tricks. A toy to be enjoyed. At first it’s pretty and you admire it. Soon you put it into play slamming it against other marbles. It gets scuffed it up and scratched. You obsess over the faults, researching them in detail. It’s no longer as cool as it once was. Or maybe you think it’s cooler. The cracks add character. Whatever. Eventually it’s lost to a friend or couch cushion, but you don’t care. You have a newer marble, or better yet a yo-yo. What once you considered special is now but a meaningless memory. One day you may think back on that one great marble, but the “character” will be remembered more than the original perfection.

Dave decided he was something more than a marble. He rolled out the ring at a time of his own choosing, pissing off plenty but pleasing himself. He was Barry Sanders with a microphone. And last night he again ran well and scored often. Two more games are left. I’m lovin’ every minute. You da man, Dave. You da man.

While flipping around the talking box Saturday I caught Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi having a little too much conversation and way too much action while touring Graceland with President Bush. It’s not everyday you see a foreign leader breakin’ down some Elvis. I’m not sure I want to see it again.

As I watched video of the rock and or roll, I wondered what reaction Bush would provoke if, while on a state tour of Sweden, he began belting out “Take a Chance on Me” while doing the Carlton. (If it did happen, I’m sure he’d inadvertently warm up with some “Dancing Queen”, thus destroying YouTube.com’s servers.)

But face it – just about anyone can get their Elvis on and get away with it. The man’s legacy inspires more reverence than Marilyn Monroe’s thigh. So great is he that, not only is he remembered for doing black music so selfishly and using it to get himself wealthy, but his music owns major real estate in the Country Music Hall of Fame. I made my first trip there back in February and was somewhat surprised to see the Sequined One among the crooners. I couldn’t help but express my surprise in front of a camera, drawing more irate attention than the Dixie Chicks exhibit.

And as shocked as I was to see Elvis in the great Hall, I was not at all prepared for this:

I do have one sweet Elvis-related memory. Back in the days of Olivia Newton-John and Blondie, I made a habit of plundering the record collection of my then-teenaged aunt. She had dozens of 45s. My two favorites were Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall” and Elvis’ “Jailhouse Rock.” But no typical connaisseur was I. Oh no. While “Jailhouse Rock” was passable at normal speed, I insisted on cranking it up to 78 rpms. Now that was rockin’. If Elvis had ever met Red Bull, that’s how he’d have sounded.

I’ve only encountered one other song made sweeter by messing with its metronome. By coincidence, it was produced someone who has literally come within one degree of Elvis (At least we assume he did). I am speaking, of course, of the Gloved One, BP (Before Pedophilia). As grand a song as “Man in the Mirror” was, I appreciated more the instrumental version at 33 rpm. I would ask for you to give it a try but, *sigh*, technology isn’t what it used to be.

Too bad CDs are limited in velocity options. Who knows what …. other …. tres …. sures …. r …. out …. there if onlyyoucouldpseedthemup!

A recent offhand comment over at The Corner describing someone as “slightly to the right of Darth Vader” promoted Jonah Goldberg to vigorously protest.

It’s an amusing read, not so much as a political statement but the amount of free time some people have to think about such significant issues.

Darth Vader grew up poor and oppressed — a slave even! He was saved by a progressive organization which took him in out of a mixture of pity and affirmative action. … Corrupted by power, John Kerryesque arrogance, and other selfish motives, young Darth — then going by his slave name Anakin — embraced the Empire which sought to overturn the planet’s-rights system of the republic in favor of centralized planning. He then dedicated most of his career to enforcing a classically progressive, top-down socialism of the “one-best way,” breaking contracts with mining companies when it suited him. Late in life, when he realized the unintended consequences of central planning, he recanted. So maybe at the very end he was a neocon of sorts.

A neocon, huh? You may be right, Jonah:

Then again, Vader would fit in well with the Natural Law Party. He embodies much of their of platform, or at least the portions of the platform the party kept hidden.

The Natural Law Party is essentially the political arm of the Transcendental Meditation movement, led by the mighty, mighty Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Practitioners of this ancient art, including the NLP’s three-time presidential candidate John Hagelin, believe they can fly, become one with the universe and influence the actions of a great mass of people with a single thought.

What is interesting about such a silly debate – the politics of a fictional Sith Lord – is there is indeed such a debate. Politics and governmental structure underline much of the plot in the Star Wars saga. I’m not referring so much to the new movies as I am the old ones. I remember rewatching ANH in college and being struck by the screen time given to discussion on the political structure of the Empire:

TARKIN: The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I’ve just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

TAGGE: That’s impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?

TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this
battle station.

That’s the last time the word “Senate” appears in the script. When the revisionist money whore Lucas released the three prequels, politics did take a front seat, especially in Episode III. It is assumed by many that Lucas was taking a swipe at Bush, especially given Anakin’s line to Obi-Wan: “If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy.” Lucas shrugged it off by droning on about how “he patterned his story after historical transformations from freedom to fascism.”

Yet Jonathan V. Last at the Weekly Standard didn’t get the memo. He argued back in 2002 that “The deep lesson of Star Wars is that the Empire is good”:

Make no mistake, as emperor, Palpatine is a dictator–but a relatively benign one, like Pinochet. It’s a dictatorship people can do business with. They collect taxes and patrol the skies. They try to stop organized crime (in the form of the smuggling rings run by the Hutts). The Empire has virtually no effect on the daily life of the average, law-abiding citizen.

Also, unlike the divine-right Jedi, the Empire is a meritocracy. The Empire runs academies throughout the galaxy (Han Solo begins his career at an Imperial academy), and those who show promise are promoted, often rapidly. In “The Empire Strikes Back” Captain Piett is quickly promoted to admiral when his predecessor “falls down on the job.”

It’s a interesting read … if you accept that such thoughts are worth exploring. If they do, do you also wonder how best to describe the political structure of, say, the Smurfs? Benelovent dictatorship via Papa Smurf? Caste system, under which Handy Smurf had not choice but to build? Or was Gargemel simply a metaphor to be rekindled in the light of Bush’s insistence to rule the world?

Actually, the correct answer is communist (Until playing with google just now I had no idea this debate existed):

But the Smurf society can also be seen as an anarchist economy where everyone produces goods and services according to its skills, without planification, and where harmony emerges from the complementarity and good will of all Smurfs. Papa Smurf being only in charge of organizing some important works that necessitates the collaboration of all Smurfs, for example large infrastructure works, or security activities. In that case it is more close to a utopian anarchist or libertarian society, or to a primitive community economy, than a society inspired by communism and planification.

Sad but true.