Excerpted from the never-to-be-released book, “I Thought You Packed The Pacifier! And Where The Hell Is The Butt Paste!: A father’s guide to having it all while smelling slightly of soured milk.”

CHAPTER 10: When Tailgating and Naps Collide.
A quick checklist to what you need before you pregame feed

Are you ready for some Mountaineer football!!! Great! Now, are you ready for some Mountaineer football, with the kids!!! That’s what I thought. But time out, pops. Put away the challenge flag! Tailgating with the lil ones can be more fun than a Robin Williams standup. You just have to plan ahead. And I ain’t talkin’ days ahead. Weeks ahead! But that’s no sweat at t’al. You’ve already spent most of early August planning your tailgate menus (turkey for Georgia Southern game, chili for Western Carolina) and you started marinating steaks for Homecoming two weeks ago (secret ingredients – pepper jack cheese and beer).

Just add these five easy steps to your personal 24-item Tailgate “Honey Will” List (No. 15. pre-order 25,000 BTU heater for playoffs), and the kids will blend in to the scenery as naturally as a ‘Where’s Ann Arbor’ t-shirt.

No. 1 – Kill ‘em with cuteness
Sure, you have your favorite gameday t-shirts. You think they’re cool, but like your average 2007 pop song, they all blend together and no one can tell them apart. (Wow, look! Rob’s wearing the 2001 Black Saturday t-shirt, not to be mistaken for the similar yet different cut 2003 shirt! Sweet!)

But when it comes to dressing the kids, you’re talking 70s rock. You want them to stand out. Nothing attracts more “ooos” and “ahhs” than a tyke in team colors. The younger the plahya in the jersey, the more pats on the back for “raising that Mountaineer right!” And everyone – I mean EVERYONE – loves seeing a sweet little girl in a cheerleading outfit, especially other cheerleaders. (No dear, let me. I’ll walk around the parking lot with her. *wink* *wink*)

Coordinating such outfits isn’t easy. Buy too early and the kids will have outgrown them. (They’ll look like tiny offensive linemen in shrunken uniforms). Buy too late and you’re stuck in line behind 50 hyper college students the day before kickoff, holding a baby carrier in one hand and attempting to corral with the other a 2-year-old toddler throwing ASU golf balls across the Bookstore foyer (true story).

The perfect time is about two weeks out from the game. Get yourself to a store and find that outfit. If not a jersey or cheerleading outfit, look for:

- T-shirts, especially ones that say “Lil Mountaineer” or “I’ve been cheering for my Mountaineers since the day I was born.”
- Simple gold or black onesies.
- Anything with a Block A you can fit around their neck, like a bib or Mardi Gras football necklace (true story).

What to avoid:

- T-shirts with alcohol-related slogans. (A “Head for the Mountains of Boone” Busch knockoff is cool, but not on a 13-month old. The glares aren’t worth it)
- Anything with even a smidgen of Carolina Blue. (Except diapers or pullups, since they’re made for collecting piss and poop, much like Keenan Stadium).

No. 2 – Prepare your occupation force
Tailgating for adults consists primarily of schmoozing, drinking, eating, socializing, talking and all other types of adult-”ing.” And your kids ain’t gonna have none of it.

Take for example the little drummer boy. He loves the Marching Mountaineers, and his sly mom and dad were prepared to take full advantage of that affection. They got a toy drum, some velcro, string, duck tape and BAM! Instant marching snare! This guaranteed at least one hour of occupation as he made his way with the band, banging to their beat.

The possibilities are endless. I always bring along a bag of goodies for my Gabby. Miniature football. Dora the Explorer Doll. Some books. Pavement chalk. Aw yes, pavement chalk. Nothing can fill those fourth-quarter garbage time minutes of a blowout like pavement chalk art in the stands. Just make sure they don’t draw on fellow fans (true story).

No. 3 – Do you have a kid’s menu
Roughly 80 percent of the average tailgate menu is indigestible to anyone under 4 (or those over 50 with heart conditions). This is due primarily to the ever-popular ’secret’ ingredients. Crap would-be Emerils put in their food to set it apart from all the other would-be Emerils grilling across the lot. Peppers smuggled from Mexico. Extracts from the ABC store. Marinades with a chemical composition more complex than adamantium. All are good (?) for you, but bad, bad, bad for junior. And attempting to wipe off all those spices or carving out teeny-weeny bites for timy tummies Just Ain’t. Right. You gotta plan ahead.

When packing my cooler, I throw in a few boxes of raisins, some nabs, lunch meat and fruit. There’s also the trusty bottle of Juicy Juice or Hawaiian Punch. No soda, cause a one-year-old plus Pepsi equals baby Flash on crack (true story).

No. 4 – ‘Duck’ing the crowd
Kids are mobile. They’re solar panels on legs. They longer you make them sit, the more spring is loaded in their step. So you gotta have your road trip planned. (You’ll be thankful you did. More on that later)

When tailgating at Appalachian, you can always:

- Feed the Ducks. A popular pasttime, no doubt. Just make sure you bring some bread or crackers. I took Gabby to feed the ducks after one Appalachian game, only to see that the quakers had no interest. Too full. Much. Too. Full. But the fishies were ALL about it, which was just as fun. One handful of crumbs brought a feeding frenzy so intense it’d make a pirahna proud!

- Kids Zone. Never has air been so fun! It’s like a scene from Forrest Gump. You got your airwalk, your airslide, your airjump, your airjumpandslide. Whoever thought of adding a kidzone during a tailgate is genius. (Too bad it so very far, far away)

- Follow the band. Another genius move. As I eluded to earlier, prior to kickoff the Appalachian marching band tours the tailgate areas stopping, playing and marching on. It’s like a Grateful Dead tour for kids, only more coherent.

- Find some grass. No, not the Grateful Dead kind. I’m talking greenspace. Open land. Non-concrete covered earth. My tailgate crew annually sets up shop right in a dorm’s front yard. We got grass to the left of us, grass to the right of us, and grass all behind us. (Sounds like ASU, huh?) We don’t have to worry about the youngins running wild, falling and busting a knee cap in the parking lot. Instead we worry about Gabby taking down the Drummer Boy in a two-out-of-three-falls wrestling match for the Boone Toddler Title. (She finished him off with the Cobra Clutch, just like daddy taught her.)

Be creative! Prepare your own Family Circus adventure! Pretend Raley lot is the zoo! (Not hard) Greenwood is the Land of Misfit Toys! (Again, not hard) And East Hall is … well .. East Hall!

Keep in mind – and this is really key here – the more active you keep the kids before the game, the more likely they are to be tuckered out during the game. Which leads to step 5:

No. 5 – Blankets, bed and pillows, Oh my!

Planned just right, the perfect kiddie tailgate action plan will lead to a pleasing kiddie gametime inaction. They’re so wore out from heat and treats that sitting still for three hours isn’t just possible, but welcome. Ya just got to make them comfortable. This may mean becoming a human stadium seat or having your lap become a pillow. But careful! Think before you jump up to react to that touchdown! (true story)

And remember, you’re at the game, you’re babys’ are at your side, and all is right with the world. Isn’t that what gameday is all about? (Not really, but the wife read this so gotta type sweet)

So here we are tailgating before the big Appalachian State home opener Saturday. The tailgating crew was pulling down the tents and packing away the leftovers when a WXII TV van pulled up on the curb. I was sitting in a chair feeding Big G a bottle as the news hounds came sniffing my way. They were looking for a story, and time was short.

It was five minutes before kickoff. Traffic from Winston must have been manic. What other excuse could there be? Before I could say “Cold off the presses!” a microphone was pointed my way with a camera staring after it. I played my role – Go ASU! – with a gentle dig at the school in Winston-Salem scared to play Appalachian in football.

After speaking with me, the camera guy nabbed some footage of Gabby and her friend Carter playing with a football. They also interviewed our man Blue, and a sadsack Lenoir-Ryhne fan nearby.

All that said, it made for GRIPPING television, let me tell you. (Yes, you have to suffer through a commercial before the fun starts.)

My only complaint – no Big G. If that camera had just dipped an inch lower, he’d have had his big television debut. I guess he’ll just have to wait until 2026, when he’s scheduled to make his first career start at linebacker for ASU. Here’s hoping it’s at the Big House!

Forget the pony
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas this year is the above delivered to my mailbox. Do it, and I promise I won’t ask for anything else. If that’s too much to ask, how about a nice t-shirt?

Gone in 90 seconds
Appalachian’s first possession since December 15, 2006 went 74 yards in three plays, caped by a stunning 68-yard pass to a “sweet Dexter Coakley how did I get this open!” Dexter Jackson. And it lasted 90 seconds.

90.

Seconds.

Paris Hilton isn’t that easy (though she does have considerably more rust). In the time it took the lil’ National Champion That Could to prove that It Would, you could watch three Mastercard commercials back-to-back-to-back. (I like that sound of that, back-to-back-to-back).

He had the power
One of my first half highlights – spotting a player on the Michigan sideline named Zoltan Mesko. My buddy Japs elbows me asking, “Didn’t he used to fight He-Man?”

This is getting to be a habit
It’s hard to keep a good goal post up at Kidd Brewer. While shocked soccer players looked on, App students tore those poor things down again yesterday before Julian Rauch ever had a chance to split ‘em. (Remember how the last home game ended?)

They were also ripped down after the Furman playoff win in 2005, and after a regular season whooping of Georgia Southern in 2004 (or was it 2003?) when the Eagle bus was “accidentally” banged up a bit.

I have fond memories of the posts coming down way back in 1992 …. only it was to celebrate the Atlanta Braves going to the World Series (I kid you not). My have times have changed.

Mist-ifying
Throughout the second half, the Big Ten Network became obsessed with showing overheated Michigan players on the sidelines getting faces full of fan. On each occasion my buddy japs would loudly exclaim -

Ahhhh! The sweet, sweet mist of Division I-AA

The healing power of pussy
Michigan blog mgoblog went dark minutes after the game. A graphic blamed “technical difficulties.” The blog woke up today and, well, see for yourself.

I’m actually shocked Oscar hasn’t shown up.

Poetry in motion
Happiness is – witnessing five giant screen tvs and a dozen smaller screens all carrying the same crawl across the bottom, repeating on an endless loop. “BREAKING NEWS – APPALACHIAN STATE DEFEATS MICHIGAN 34-32.”

Don’t get cocky, kid
My buddy J called today. His first words – “You know what’s gonna happen now, dontcha. Lenoir-Rhyne’s gonna bite us in the butt. Just you watch.”

Sorry, don’t see it happening. Michigan is a known, proven chocker. The last times App chocked, it learned a lesson. Never again.

Ain’t that the truth
The perfect summation for yesterday’s big win can be summed up in a snide blog post published seven months ago. Behold the prognosticating power of The Feed -

At Least They Waited Until Gerald Ford Died To Do This

‘Nuff said.

My mighty, mighty Mountaineers of Appalachian State tangle with big boy Michigan tomorrow in Ann Arbor. It’s a matchup of David versus Goliath’s older, larger big brother. Conventional wisdom has the Apps winning the Powerball before coming within three TDs of a 30-point first-half margin. But what if CV is wrong. What if … Appalachian wins. What would happen within that first hour?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2007

3:35 p.m. – Scoreboard – ASU 24, Michigan 21.

3:35.01 p.m. – The joyous screams of 2,000 Black and Gold echo through the eeirily silent and stunned 107,000-packed stadium.

3:35.05 p.m. – Local authorities issue immediate suicide watch for surrounding counties, Bristol, Conn.

3:35.10 p.m. – “Bo” Schembechler’s body begins spinning, quickly hits 158 rpms.

3:35.40 p.m. – In attempt to flee further abuse, Chancellor Ken Peacock’s larynx leaps from his throat. Refuses reattachment for three weeks.

3:37 p.m. – ESPN calls stadium press box for 16th time in past five minutes, asking “Are you sure you have that score right?”

3:37.30 p.m. – GoASU.com blows up.

3:37.40 p.m. – Phone lines to ASU ticket office catch fire, melt.

3:37.50 p.m. – Deadspin’s “The Hugh Johnson Project” is quickly renamed the “Jim Bob Norman Project,” as the mohawked one’s legend grows. (Line – 7 receiving yards, 15 ovations, one successful ignition of “The Wave”)

3:38 p.m. – ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN news, ESPN Classic and ESPN Ocho all cut live to a stunned Rece Davis reporting – “From Ann Arbor, Michigan, the flash, apparently official (looking to paper): No. 5 ranked Michigan lost to Appal-LAY-chin State at 3:35 p.m. eastern standard time, (looking off-camera at a clock) some three minutes ago.”

3:39 p.m. – ESPN phone system crashes due to irate Mountaineers calling and screaming, “It’s Appa-LATCH-un!!”

3:40 p.m. – Thirty-three million football fans join Miss South Carolina Teen in successfully locating Boone, N.C. on the map.

3:40.30 – LSU AD Skip Bertman overheard whispering, “Woooo! That was close.”

3:41 p.m. – Schembechler hits 458 rpms, friction sets casket on fire.

3:43 p.m. – Voice of the Mountaineers David Jackson has yet to take a breath, continues to scream “Mountaineers win!! Mountaineers win!!” live on-air. His listeners busy doing same.

3:43.30 p.m. – Appalachian coach Jerry Moore gives first post-game interview, sets record for use of the word “deal” within 90 seconds. Becomes immediate frontrunner in race of governor of North Carolina.

3:42 p.m. – Police called to forcibly remove Katie Bonk from field, specifically from the field goal posts she refuses to release as she screams, “Yosef is your Daddy!! Yosef is your Daddy!!“

3:45 – Coach of defending ACC “champion” Wake Forest overheard giving thanks to the Almighty, “Thank you for making me scared to play them, Lord. And praise you for having Duke in our conference. Thy will be done.”

3:49 p.m. – Michigan coach Lloyd Carr submits resignation, awaits military escort so he can exit stadium.

3:49.30 p.m. – First report of looting in downtown Ann Arbor, as vandals descend onto local Finish Line, force employees at gunpoint to refund all Michigan merchandise without receipt.

3:50 p.m. – Student mob invades vacant Kidd Brewer Stadium, tears down both goalposts, field house balcony, scoreboard and 20 square yards of FieldTurf. Upon hearing news, Charlie Cobb is shocked – They only ripped up 20 square yards.

3:51 p.m. – Appalachian Marching Band takes field, begins playing “Our House.” Nothing but dancing black and gold around them. Random packs of Michigan fans slowly leave stadium, only 50% are aware of where they’re going.

3:53 p.m. – Jason Hunter begins searching Packers lockerroom for Charles Woodson, can’t find him. (He’s located three days later under his bed, asleep sucking his thumb.)

3:56 p.m. – TheWolverine.com goes black, announces hiatus. No new posts until spring football begins.

3:59 p.m. – North Carolina hospital reports first of 15 babies born this day named “CoCo.”

3:50 p.m. – Winston-Salem Journal editors begin planning front-page Appalachian State spread headlined in 200-point type “Our House,” along with 125-inch Rawlings column and 20-page, 30-photo color insert special edition. Extensive followups also planned for Monday’s paper.

3:51 p.m. – Charlotte Observer editors make space on C15 for three-paragraph recap. Later cut box score due to lack of space.

3:52 p.m. – First recorded instance of words “Armanti” and “Heisman” used in same sentence, alluding to his 240 yards on 22-31 passing, 140 yards rushing, 1 TD, 1 INT effort. Lee Corso later blames comment on severe lack of sleep, secret allergy to Herbstreit.

3:54 p.m. – Schembechler hits 1,643 rpms, wind sheer begins sucking nearby trees, cars toward him.

3:56 p.m. – Beer shortage announced in Boone, surrounding eight-county area. Local ABC Boards begin rationing.

3:57 p.m. – Michael Vick overheard telling attorney, “Life could be worse. Could’ve been playing for Michigan today.”

3:59 p.m. – Minimum 13 NFL teams immediately assign scouts permanently to Boone, order draft day placards for Corey Lynch (2 INT, 15 tackles, 4 broken-up passes) and Kevin Richardson (2 TDS, 210 yards, three wedding proposals).

4:00 p.m. – CBS Radio chimes in with top-of-the-hour headlines. ASU win leads the news. Latest in Sen. Larry Craig bathroom scandal forced to second billing – Finally.

4:05 p.m. – Tony Kornheiser calls Coach Moore, begs he give PTI “Five Good Minutes” Monday. Moore agrees only if Tony conducts interviews dressed like this. Tony agrees, no problem.

4:06 p.m. – Director John Milius begins planning for a re-mastering of his 1984 classic. Will now dub over heros war cry with “Mountaineers!”

4:09 p.m. – Weather Channel reports tornado warnings for great Ann Arbor area, as Schembechler’s spinning sucks his grave into the light, a la Carol Anne.

4:11 p.m. – Governor of Ohio calls emergency session of state assembly, declares “Appalachian State University Day” throughout state with parade scheduled through Columbus.

4:12 p.m. – Appalachian Marching Band finally leaves the field. Yet 75,000 stunned Blue fans remain in their seats, too numb to move. An estimated 20,000 never leave, spend the night. Finally removed the next day with tranq darts, cattle prods.

4:14 p.m. – First reports surface of sudden antidepressent shortages in Greenville, S.C., Statesboro, Ga.

4:15 p.m. – ABC announces it will add Oct. 20 ASU-GSU game in Boone to national broadcast schedule. (Okay, now that’s a bit of a stretch)

Go Apps!

I finally found some time to put some beach photos online. And by time, I mean precious seconds of life not spent either working, minding a child, or doing household chores. I knew a new child would bring extra demands, but I had no idea just how extra.

Some kernels from the beach:

- It was love at first splash for Gabby. Within an hour of arriving at our accommodations we were on the sands. Gabby made a beeline (crabline?) for the water and seemed determined never to leave. By the time we left, she would stand in hip deep water, take a wave full force in the face, shake her head and laugh. LAUGH, I said. Then would hit another. SPLASH! HAHAHAH … that the best you got Poseidon!?

- Gavin didn’t go anywhere near the water. He slept … a lot. I feared at first his exposure to bikini-clad females would arouse an appetite the wife would never satisfy, but you can’t sweat what you never see. He’ll be a teen-ager soon enough, anyway.

- Cousin Rock, as in “She Who Rocks,” made the trip possible. She could have been mistaken for a nanny she helped so much with the Gs. That’s her with Gabby in the photo up top.

- We went out to eat one night. It was at a sweet but expensive buffet just outside Myrtle Beach. While there, I took Gabby on a tour of the aquariums. One of them had two clown fish, which motivated Gabby to shout “Nemo!” That may have been her highlight of the week.

- I loved the place we stayed, but the wife’s family thinks we were robbed. In brief, we got a bedroom, kitchen, dining area, living room with foldout couch, enclosed balcony and two bathroooms a shoft 5-minute walk from the beach. The resort had two ourdoor pools, an indoor pool with whirlpool, a beach playground, a beach pool, a pre-teen club, and a nice restaurant where adults ate free buffet for breakfast. Added to this is the resort location right across from Barefoot Landing, and it was peak season.

How much do you think a night would cost at such a resort? Come on, wild guess. Okay, now highlight with your mouse our actual cost – $149. Considering that won’t get you one night anytime at the Holiday Inn Express in Boone, I think it’s a pretty sweet deal. Or am I loopy?

- Another question – when taking two teens, a toddler, an infant and a hyperactive wife on a trek from coast to mountains, it is best to:

A – Pedal to the floor six straight hours with few stops, or
B – Break the trip up in segments so you can stretch your legs

We did option B, which went okay, I guess, but goodness it could have been better. We went two hours, stopped for two hours, went two hours, stopped for two hours, then came another two hours home. Leaving aside it was pouring rain with fog after three days of clear blue beach skies, it was tiring.

I’d type more, but my allotted free time for this week is gone. I hope to have some Harry Potter thoughts later. Plus there’s this football season thing coming up. Can’t wait for August 18.

As I mentioned, Gabby recently had her big wedding debut. I only got a few shots of her in her official flower girl getup. She briefly – oh, so briefly – agreed to sit on a log with the ringbearer, who was the son of the bridegroom. Something about the photo whispered Little House, so off to Duotone Dream I went. Nice effect, really.

Two paths which ran parallel for years finally crossed Friday. I have known Jon for several months thanks to our respective roles as Appalachian alumni. He’s vice president of the alumni council. I work in the alumni office.

He was in town for a council meeting. I last saw him a few days ago during a trip to Raleigh for a Yosef Club event. We were discussing the event when I mentioned I had dinner afterwards with my old college roommate, Jeff. Jon’s eyes lit up at the name. Turns out he and Jeff were/are fraternity brothers and close friends. He started naming off names of people he hung with, and most of them I knew.

Odds are we met back in college, but only in passing. A decade later a friendship is born. Small world.

Jon’s a huge Carolina Hurricanes fan. I’m betting money he was the only motorist in Boone Saturday with a Canes flag waving from the back seat.

One day shy of the 11-month mark, Gabby looms larger than Appalachian's I-AA title.